Articles

The Week in Review

Article posted on Oct 1, 2007 by Ian Lashbrook

 By: CaptainSuperhero

National

The Senate and The House passed a bill this week that would add 4 million children to a popular healthcare program. President Bush has promised to veto this bill as it is too close to universal healthcare for his blood. He has been quoted as saying, "People should get through life on their own intelligence, hard work, and personal ingenuity." In a related story, George Bush Sr. has a new book in the works entitled Barbara's Bush: Gateway to the Presidency.

Researchers have created see through frogs so they can observe a frog's organs without dissection. In other news, thousands will die from cancer, AIDS, and the flu this year.

An execution was stopped in Texas today on the grounds that lethal injection is cruel and unusual, and as such, unconstitutional. And in weather, be on the look out for flying pigs and devils throwing snowballs tomorrow on the morning drive to work. And now here are sports.

Barry Bonds may have played his last baseball game ever this week. While I'm not a financial analyst, my advice is to sell your stock in anabolic steroids now.

Michael Vick may be headed to jail after testing positive for marijuana, a violation of his probation, earlier this month. In a related story, really how fucking stupid is this guy...all-star athlete, probable future hall of famer. Why the fuck couldn't he stay out of trouble...I mean really? It's one thing if you're working at the Wal-Mart and you fight some dogs and smoke some pot - no big deal...but he's a professional athlete, he got paid millions of dollars a year to be a decent law abiding citizen. I don't know about you all, but I could handle that for a million dollars a year. Seriously, what the fuck people...someone explain to me why he thinks he'll get away with this shit. And as for the joke...Michael Vick...that's the joke here.

Music

Puddle of Mudd has been banned from Graceland. Cities around the country are asking Graceland what their tactic for this was, and for assistance in utilizing these tactics.

Lindsay Lohan will finish her stay in rehab soon. While in rehab, she had sex in bathrooms, did drugs, left to shop and get her nails done, and refused to do any of the work the other patients at the rehab center had to do. I would consider it a personal favor if someone would help me develop a drug problem...I could really use the vacation.

Kanye West's mother Donda West has said he son is similar to Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, Jesus Christ and Barrak Obama. In a related story, Kanye West has been gunned down for leading a passive protest against vast human rights violations...however; George Bush still does not care about black people. 


 Misc.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has decided to turn the clocks back a half an hour so that school children will not have to walk to school in the dark. His general intelligence is now being called into question, since he could have just made school start a half hour later. But, hey the USSR had eleven time zones, don't believe me...listen to the Negativland song about it. So why can't good old president Chavez fuck with time a little bit as well?

An animal rights group in Austria is seeking to make a chimpanzee a human being. They are now taking their case to the Austrian Supreme Court, after a lower court decided against them. If that fails they may bring their case to US...where we not only have declared a primate to be a human. We've elected them to office...twice. Shame on us.

In other George Bush news, we should all rest easy when it comes to the education system in this country. Because as the president so keenly put it, "Childrens do learn."