Articles

The Week In Review

Article posted on Sep 19, 2007 by Ian Lashbrook

By: Captain Superhero

The Week in Review

Here it is, the second Week In Review. There were complaints last week about it being too educational ... which is only sad because I've never written anything educational before. As always, hold all hate mail until the end.

National

OJ Simpson is once again in trouble with the law. He was arrested on charges of armed robbery over the weekend and was released on bail Wednesday. Simpson attempted to track down Dr. Frankenstein in order to resurrect the late Johnny Cochran. After discovering that Dr. Frankenstein is a fictional character, Simpson attempted to contact Gene Wilder. Wilder responded to Simpson's request to bring Cochran back to life by saying, "You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind! Dead is dead!" before ending the phone call abruptly. As of press time, there is no word as to if the cast of Re-Animator were up to the challenge or not.

Senator Larry Craig's Senatorial career has come to an end amid a sex scandal in the bathroom. Police have stated a series of taps, foot, and hand motions alerted them to the fact he was seeking to participate in lewd conduct. While it is too early to say, there are rumors on Capitol Hill that a new bill will make public homosexual activity socially acceptable for members of the United States Congress. And while their healthcare, ability to give themselves raises, and corporate payoffs are all great perks that come with the job, their soon to come ability to tear into a piece of ass in an airport bathroom is the thing I'm really jealous of.

And closing out national news this week, General Petreaus released his report about the current state of things in Iraq. In a related story as of writing this there are 489 days left in the Bush Presidency and 3,783 American's dead in Iraq. The only joke that comes from all of this is the complacency of the American population in its reaction to a war and president that a vast majority no longer has any faith in.

Music

Nardwuar, celebrity interviewer extraordinaire, will soon appear in animated form via the artistic abilities of Mitch Clem of Nothing Nice To Say fame. These animations will feature Nardwuar interviewing various musicians, one of them being Iggy Pop. There is no word yet on if Raffi has agreed to an interview, but Mitch Clem is hopeful.

The Sex Pistols have announced they will play a one-off gig to mark the 30th anniversary of the release of their album Never Mind The Bullocks Here's The Sex Pistols. In a related story, D. Boon's grave rose from its resting place yesterday; scientists are yet to explain how a coffin could spin so ferociously.

And finally, continuing the trend of bands getting back together to relive their glory days, Whitesnake will be releasing their new album, Good To Be Bad, in 2008. Look for the tour coming soon to a karaoke bar near you.

Various

In international news, Belgium was on sale on EBay for a short time. This was done to protest the 100 days Belgium has been running without a government of any real variety. To those of you looking for me to make this story humorous, I encourage you all to read the first sentence again.

Senator Ernie Chambers has sued God. The lawsuit was filed in order to show how ridiculous frivolous lawsuits are. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that when this thing goes to trial, God is a no show.

And finally, in the sports world the New England Patriots were caught stealing signals from the teams they were playing against, proving once again that all true Patriots are willing to break the rules of whatever league or country they're a part of in order to get what they want, be it a victory in a football game or citizens blindly surrendering their civil rights to shadily elected leaders.